What a complicated question.

I know social norms dictate that we ask each other how we are feeling and that we answer with something positive or non-committal. I’m good! Great, you? I’m fine. Living the dream! But how many of us actually are good, great, fine, or living our dreams?

I know that none of these things apply to me most of the time. I’ve always hesitated before answering when someone asks me how I’m doing. I know it’s just pleasantries, but pleasantries are inauthentic and I have a hard time playing along. The question of whether I should answer truthfully or just say what they expect plays in my mind and I eventually go with fine or can’t complain before shifting the discomfort back to them.

But do you really want to know how I’m feeling? I’m feeling overwhelmed and disconnected. I’m angry and sad and filled with regret. I hate everything. Mostly I feel okay, content even. But if I start thinking instead of distracting myself with books and hobbies, I spiral. I daydream about what could have been and what will be. Lately I think about things I haven’t thought about in years. I want to be dentures. That’s a fun and obscure way to say the words I won’t actually say. Everything is too much and I don’t want to be anymore. But I continue on because what else can I do.

So yeah, I’m feeling fine. Can’t complain.