I think we all can agree that it’s been a weird couple years. Hell, it’s been a weird decade. I think something in the world broke when TFG somehow went from joke candidate to actual president and we’re all slowly losing our minds. But I suppose that has little to do with tonight’s movie. Remember that movie extremely loosely based on a real story of a bear who ate a bunch of cocaine and died? Sure you do. Did you know that there are tons of “drug + animal” movies that came out shortly after? I know this is our generation of B-movies that future generations will look upon fondly the way I love my 70s and 80s movies. Anyway, I do go on about nothing sometimes. Tonight I’m watching Crackcoon.

This drug dealer. These crackheads. Bad, bad, bad. Terrible acting. I don’t mind all that, but it’s gotta be entertaining at least. Cocaine Bear had that going for it. Sure hope it gets better. Never heard of crackheads so eager to share. That’s the raccoon, huh. Okay, this just went from really stupid, to stupid funny. Go, raccoon, go! Yessss now I am entertained. This lady sure spends a lot of time washing her tits. Now she’s gotta wash that one buttcheek. Bahahaha raccoon tore off her tits. That raccoon sure seems to love ripping out intestines and leaving them in piles on the bodies. Ok. So. This movie is bad. All of the human only scenes are terrible. There are jokes, but they don’t land. The characters are bad. The raccoon murder scenes really save this movie. Not terrible, but definitely forgettable.